MY GUY VINCE

Posted in Bad Ass Dudes, Videos on February 15, 2010 by Tuesday McGavin

Tuesday can roll with the youtube too.

P.S. You’ll love his nuts.

If that doesn’t make your monday better you’re probably a d-bag.

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Art Klondike’s Semi-Daily Youtube Favorites

Posted in Videos on February 12, 2010 by Art Klondike

The Greatona 500

Posted in Uncategorized on February 11, 2010 by Dirt Linwood

Break out the busch light, cut-off jeans, and you’re finest tank ladies and gentleman because the greatest sporting even of the year is here. There’s not enough Winston cigarettes in the great U.S. of A to appropriately express how excited I am for this Sunday*.

Quick side-bar: Has there ever been a better weekend combo between last weekend and this coming one? I mean, the Superbowl and then Daytona 500? Be sure to give your thanks to the sports gods during your next grace.

I’ll be the first to admit that I know close to nothing about nascar other than the following things:

  • Drive fast, Turn Left
  • If ya ain’t bumpin, ya ain’t racing

Don’t let my lack of actual “racing knowledge” take away from my love of this day. I feel that if one person truly fits the mold of a true nascar fan, it’s me. Let’s go through the checklist:

  1. Wears tank tops to fancy events [X]
  2. Smokes cheap cigs [X]
  3. Owns multiple pairs of jean shorts [X]
  4. Drinks Busch Light regularly [X]

I’m really not sure if more credentials are needed, but trust me, I’ve got them.

This Sunday in Daytona represents more than just sporting in America. It represents freedom. It represents America. And it represents everything we’re fighting for everyday.

“I fucking love freedom. The freedom to race!”

The 500 is a chance to sit around with your buds, crack some cold ones, and shoot the shit. If that isn’t heaven on earth, then hell, I don’t want to go to heaven. With the 500 comes the ability to sit back, and for atleast 500 god damn miles, realize you don’t actually give a finger in the middle about all that other humdrum shit you going on. That’s freedom.

If what I have said hasn’t alreayd inspired you to tune in this sunday you’re either A.) Un-American or B.) Illiterate and you can’t actually read what any of this says. I assume those two options sum up my entire argument, but if you’re a fucking weirdo and you’re not included yet, here is a couple of suggestions that may get your blood flowing a bit.

Watch Days of Thunder.

It’s like Top Gun, but on land!

I can only assume, no, I just plain guarentee that watchin’ Cole Trickle rub paint on the track will make you realize how awesome the 500 will be this weekend. And if it doesn’t, well we can still all get a hearty laugh over the fact his brother was named Dick. Dick Trickle.

“Dick Trickles the name, Racin’s the game”

You have to literally have no sense of humor to not laugh at that name.

So maybe you’ve already seen DoT and you’re still lacking some motivation. Apparently you don’t remember Dale “The Intimidator” Earnhardts last race. Dude let Waltrip win DIED IN AN ATTEMPT TO HELP A FRIEND WIN. To be real truthful I had actually no idea NASCAR had teams and all that shit or if Waltrip was even on his “team” but shits still pretty cool. Not to mention his son was following right behind, so this comes down to family now.

“Barry Pepper is a helluva actor!”

I get that racing isn’t for everyone. What I don’t get is racing. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love the hell out of the Daytona 500. This year I can without a single doubt promise you that if you watch this event you will walk away with atleast something to talk about.What else are you going to chat about around the water cooler? Football is over. Pitchers and Catchers don’t report until the 18th. The winter olympics suck and only 1 out of every 200 people actually care about hockey. Basketball happens all week and you can’t blow that water cooler load on monday. Nobody wants to be the dude who only can talk NBA.

Hell man, I don’t know. Maybe a cool wreck will happen. Maybe Tony Stewart will keep being a douche. Maybe you’ll see some hot trashy boobs in the grandstands.

To end this, I’m going to post funny pictures of fans at NASCAR races. That way you can watch in an ironic fashion or something. C-Ya.

* I’m not sure this sentence makes sense.

Art Klondike’s Semi-Daily Youtube Favorites

Posted in Videos on February 11, 2010 by Art Klondike

Invest in DONG

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on February 9, 2010 by Scrap Iron

Between all the revenue we’re pulling in here at GOD.NET, er… tha DONG (a million plus viewers daily) and the $5 I won on a lottery ticket yesterday, we’ve got all sorts of disposable income these days. So, like any smart investor, we’re putting it all in Greg Oden memorabilia. Our financial advisor pleaded with us not to, but last time I saw him he was working in a cubicle, not on a yacht, so what the fuck does he know. Anyways, being the kinda guys that we are, we’re gonna pass the savings straight on to you, the paying customer.

It may seem a little steep at $313.96, but you gotta spend money to make money, babe. This Greg Oden signed basketball is basically as close as you can come to a “slam dunk” when it comes to financial investments. “Slam dunk” is also a basketball playing term so that last statement is fucking hilarious. Humorous puns aside and back to what we’re all here for; financial tips and advice. What you may not know is that Mr. Oden is very select on what he’ll sign his name on, so this is a rare find indeed. As the years go on and he amasses his multiple MVP awards and Championship rings, it’ll only help to cement his place in the National Basketball Associations Hall of Fame and make this basketball rise in value like Shawn Kemp rises in front of so many judges at paternity test hearings. Among basketball experts, it’s no so much a question of “if” Greg will reach the Hall of Fame, but “how long”, so be patient my friends. Buy it now and sleep comfortably at night knowing that you have one of maybe 10 autographed basketballs signed by a first ballot Hall of Famer and arguably the best basketball player of all time, and in a month or two when that happens this will essentially be a license to print your own money.

In the downtrodden times of our economy, gold is the one constant that we as Americans can count on not to depreciate in value. Not only is gold not depreciating, it’s price is skyrocketing! That makes this stunning Greg Oden framed and matted 8×10 and gold coin set an even sweeter deal, as if it weren’t sweet as taffy already. Included with these two priceless gold coins, whose price will somehow actually RISE, is this gorgeous 8×10 glossy photo of Greg getting ready to execute a picture perfect (it’s literally a picture) no-look chest pass straight into row 5B.USA! USA! USA!

You’ve no doubt seen this clip on a few hundred highlight reels, so I won’t bore you with the details on how this play single handedly won the US the 2010 Winter Olympics and brought us out of National debt, you’ve heard it, I get it. Now it’s your chance to own a piece of American history that’s just as, if not more important than the Declaration of Independence. Don’t pass this up, a chance like this only comes around every two or three days. Note: We’ve gotten a few e-mails about this in the past couple days and I cannot reiterate this enough. No matter how much you want to crack into that glass and use those babies as slammers in your next pog tournament, DON’T DO IT. These are worth much, much more as a set, and you can’t risk having one of your jerk friends try to run off with one like Anthony Davis did with my hologram Grim Reaper slammer in the 3rd grade. I did’t forget, Anthony!

Gold isn’t the only precious metal rising in value; so is mercury, so crack open those old thermometers and take that sweet, sweet mercury down to the flea market. Or, if mercury posioning is a concern (pussy), sterling silver is on the rise too. And why not be fiscally smart AND stylish? That’s where this little beauty comes in. Kanye has his Jesus piece, Gucci has his Bart Simpson piece, and now you can have your very own Oden piece. The perfect accessory for this Greg Oden bracelet and these beautiful Trailblazer earrings.

These next couple things our guru tells us that while they may not necessarily make us rich monetarily, they will make us rich spiritually. Don’t know what that means but whatevs, pop the Crys, we’re filthy stinking rich.

My New Years resolution this year, as it is every year, is to finally slam dunk. This year is finally the year. By simply buying this basketball you are guaranteed to be dunking like a young Dominique Wilkins within the week. It also turns your knees into paper mâché, but who cares? Dunking!!

If you’re anything like me, you do a lot of paper work outside. Taxes, TPS reports, Romantic comedy scripts, whatever. How frustrating is it when a big ole gust of wind comes through and blows them all amuck, costing you hours of wasted time and energy picking up the pieces? Professional paper holders require minimum wage and try to unionize, and glue and tape are sticky and cumbersome. Thats where this beautiful Greg Oden paper weight comes in. And all for two easy payments of $3.99! Wow!! Buy now!!!

IT’S ODEN TIME!!!

Carrots vs. Cheese

Posted in Food, Random on February 9, 2010 by Tuesday McGavin

I work at a bar. This doesn’t have much to do with my story other than to serve as a starting point. If you were wondering what type of story I was about to unfold, I would classify it as a tragedy.

Cheeseburgers aren’t that great for you. I’m fairly certain that this is a well known fact. For this reason I brought  with me (to work), a small zip lock baggy of baby carrots, a piece of plastic-wrapped cheese, and an orange (pronounced or-anj, or arnj depending on where you’re from and/or your level of intelligence).

Well, I got to work today, and quickly devoured my orange. “What a delicious orange,” I’m pretty sure I remember thinking, and oh how good I felt after my colorful snack: It had been some time since I’d eaten anything even remotely healthy for me.

FIVE HOURS LATER

I’m sitting in my car, getting ready to drive my 45 minutes back home. Yes I drive 45 minutes to work at a bar; please don’t start with me right now, I have to explain this to people every day. NO I DON’T MIND THE DRIVE, REALLY, IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL.

I put on my seat belt and get comfortable. There’s some nice classic rock on the radio, possibly The Who. I notice my lunch sack sitting in the passenger seat beside me. “Hello there” I say as I take a peek inside…

Blergh.

Contents:

1 x delicious small packaged cheese log

25 x goddamn baby carrots.

Shit.

Now,  I don’t know about you, but I’m not a real big fan of eating carrots. Especially after having a couple drinks. Don’t get me wrong though; I’m not driving drunk. I’ve only been drinking. There’s a difference. I grab the piece of cheese, whimpering softly as a a peel a layer of plastic off the side; revealing the moist, sensuous dairy product beneath. This is the point where I start to feel guilty. If I eat the cheese right off the bat, there’s no way I’ll eat the carrots afterward. I’ll be mildly satiated by that tasty hunk of colby goodness, and leave the carrots to stew (ha! get it?)  in their baggie ’til god knows when I clean this crap out.

So I come up with a compromise. “Eat the carrots,” I tell myself, “and you can eat the cheese afterwards.” Oh what a great idea. I sit the cheese on my passenger seat, and attend to my baggie of carrots.

It’s slow going as I expected, but with every carrot comes the thought of that tasty sharp rectangular piece of cheese, glistening with it’s.. cheese dew, or whatever you call it. You know what I’m talking about. When you leave a piece of cheese out and gets that, like, condensation on it? You’ve seen that, right? I promise it happens.

Well, you can imagine my joy when I finally finish every last carrot. I feel so good with myself, that now being the healthiest thing I’ve eaten this year. Now I can indulge with minimal guilt!

Only, the cheese.. it was.. it was right here.. I.. but.. oh, shit.

It’s on the floor.

The cheese is on the fucking floor.

I’ve attached to this document a graph showing the state of my cheese after being on the floor.

FUCK.

I guess what I’m trying to say with this blog is:  You never know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone.

Or something like that?

Basically: I should’ve just eaten the cheese.

I hate my life.

Some Dudes are Dudes I Want to Drink With

Posted in Bad Ass Dudes on February 8, 2010 by Dirt Linwood

There are a lot of people in the United States of America. In fact, according the those census people there are 304,059,724. That’s a shit ton of people. And I would assume that a fair amount of people in that population are pretty cool dudes and chicks. But when it comes down to brass tacks, I bet only about 1% of that cool sub-set are people I would actually want to sit down and have a drink with.

There are cool dudes and then there are the dudes who define the word cool. These people broke the boundaries and went from “Oh, yeah, he’s a cool dude” to “God damn, that dude is cool.” The latter are the people who I want to drink with.

To me these are the dudes that were edgy with a dash of rebellion. The rules did not apply to these people, if only for the fact that everyone was almost in a sort of awe. They drank, smoked, fought, and I would probably assume listened to Ace Of Spades or something of that sort of cools equivalent on a regular basis. More than likely they banged by the bushel and somehow found a way to do it in a classy way, the James Bond way, if you will. Below is the top ten list of dudes that I think would be legit to get a drink with. Oh, by the way, some of these dudes are in movies.

#10 – James Dalton (Cooler, Double Deuce Bar)

Dalton makes a strong case to be number one on this list, the one issue is that dude drinks coffee at the bar instead of something like whiskey on the rocks. We’re going to let this go and I’ll tell you why despite this flaw, Dalton still cracks the top ten. First off, the dude is jacked and still manages to smoke about a pack of Reds every day, including when he first wakes up.  Dude rolls over in bed and the first thing he does is light up a nice grit. He also can basically bang anyone he wants; Dalton is in town for like a day before the towns token hot chick doctor wants to hop on his D.

I’m just saying that if I got into a bar fight and a guy slashed me with a knife, more than likely I’d probably make a scene. Dalton on the other hand epitomizes what it means to be cool by simply looking this bombshell in the eys and saying “Pain don’t hurt”. PAIN DON’T HURT. If this isn’t enough, Dalton makes this list for the simple fact that he beats people up RIPS OUT PEOPLES THROAT. Dude is cool, straight up cool.

#9 – Lemmy (Motörhead)

If you like to gamble, I tell you I’m your man
You win some, lose some, it’s – all – the same to me
The pleasure is to play, it makes no difference what you say
I don’t share your greed, the only card I need is
The Ace Of Spades
The Ace Of Spades

Playing for the high one, dancing with the devil,
Going with the flow, it’s all a game to me,
Seven or Eleven, snake eyes watching you,
Double up or quit, double stakes or split,
The Ace Of Spades
The Ace Of Spades

You know I’m born to lose, and gambling’s for fools,
But that’s the way I like it baby,
I don’t wanna live forever,
And don’t forget the joker!

Pushing up the ante, I know you’ve got to see me,
Read ’em and weep, the dead man’s hand again,
I see it in your eyes, take one look and die,
The only thing you see, you know it’s gonna be,
The Ace Of Spades
The Ace Of Spades

That sums that up.

#8 – John Daly (Golfer)

It has been reported that at the age of 23 John Daly drank a fifth of Jack Daniels every day. Shockingly, it was during this time that he also found himself kicked off a British Airlines flight for gettin’ a tad too fresh with one of the female flight attendants. Daly’s own swing coach quit saying that the most important thing in Daly’s life was getting drunk. This was in 2008. That’s decades of straight getting shitty while still maintaing professional status. Listen, golf may not be the manliest sport and all that jazz, but it certainly isn’t east. Daly did that shit while practically blacked out.

Daly himself once said the reason he doesn’t work out is that he can’t smoke throughout the process.

Cool.

#7 – Scott Hall (Professional Wrestler)

From his swagger walking down to the ring to his personal bad-assery, Scott Hall is one dude that I absolutely would love to kick back some Jameson with. Hall has won at least one million titles, or something like that, over the course of two decades. He won every match with more machismo than anyone to ever step in the squared circle. Lets also not forget he’s on of the original three members of New World Order. During his time with WWF, Ramon even gave a big fuck you to the man, taking part in the MSG incident.

But the part that really gives me the desire to buy him the drink of his choice is that in 2008 Hall publicly attacked a man during the roast of the Iron Sheik.  Ya, a comedian on-stage made a joke about Owen Hart (R.I.P) and, well to be honest, Hall did not find it so funny. He attacked the comedian, stole his microphone, and repeattedly ranted about how disrespectful it was. Hall ain’t no nugget.

#6 – Abe Lincoln

It’s a pretty well known fact that Abe kept a bottle of moonshine under his hat during all public events to keep the edge off. That alone is reason enough to put him on the list of people I’d love to have a drink with. Not to mention that his tall stature and long reach made him the equivalant of a boxing kangaroo. I think I read somewhere that the whole reason George Washington had wooden teeth was because Lincoln punched them out. There was also the whole thing with him giving the finger in the middle to the south and ending slavery. I guess all that is pretty badass.

So I made up most all of that (sort of). But would you not want to drink with Abe?

#5 – Jaws (Shark)

“We’re going to need a bigger boat”

Rob Schneider was a weird dude in Jaws. Lived on an island, hated water…blah blah blah. But dude was pretty spot on with that statement. Jaws was a killing machine. He swam wherever he wanted and mucked up any thing that got in his way. At one point this swimming piece of death had three huge barrels stuck in his back and he still pulled them all under water. Oh wait, he SANK A SHIP. I’m not a marine biologist by any means but I have to assume this shark after a long day would head down to the local Clam-Pub and slam some rum and tequila.  There are few things in this world that can say they shut down an entire fourth of july weekend at some swanky island. Jaws can. I’m not real big on water and the ocean (mainly because of things like Jaws) but if I was assured safety somehow, Jaws is definitely a legit OG. I’d love to by the dude a shot of chum and kick it for a while.

#4 – Clint Eastwood (Actor/Director)

If I really wanted to, I could have probably filled up half all of this list with Clint Eastwoood characters. Blondie, Dirty Harry, Rowdy Yates, the racist dude from Gran Torino…etc. All of the above are totally dudes I would want to drink with. Basically his Blondie character in the Dollars trilogy is what I actually use as a defining basis for a bad mother fucker. There isn’t a human alive or dead who I honestly think would have a chance. Anyone Blondie couldn’t out-fight, he could out-shoot, out-drink, and out-wit them. With that in mind, I have to assume that Blondie was basically based off Clint Eastwood as a human. It really only makes sense. The best part is, I wouldn’t even have to buy a drink for Clint. We’d probably ride out to the desert, sit by a fire, and swig pure grain alcohol out of a brown jug.

The dude is also a legit director. Which gets some cool points as well.

#3 – Tom Waits (Singer)


On Tom Wait’s voice:

“like it was soaked in a vat of bourbon, left hanging in the smokehouse for a few months, and then taken outside and run over with a car.”

So I mean, that’s cool. Waits is up their with the founders of cool and is by far top three of the coolest dudes to ever walk the planet. Wait’s lived in the Tropicana Motel on Sunset Blvd which at the time was the epicenter of cool and anyone who was hip on the underground jazzy/bluesy/rock scene. He took influence from Dylan, Sinatra, Louis Armstrong, Jack Kerouac and the like. He formed a mash-up of all of them, mixed it with some dialogue and a lot of bourbon and said print that shit up on a record.

He refuses to sell out. Waits will sue just about any human who tries to rip his shit and toss it into a commercial. Even Michael Jackson took a shot from Waits for putting one of his songs in a Pepsi commercial. In 2005 Waits sued a Scandinavian country for this particular reason and gave all of his winnings to charity.

Tom Waits has so much soul it practically radiates of him. He’s hip, original, and keeps to his principles. This all on top of the fact he loves bourbon, cigarettes, playing in dive bars makes Waits a must have on anyone’s Drinking list. Oh, and he hangs out with Chuck E. Weiss who basically invented cool.

#2 -Frank Sinatra (Singer)

I think it is pretty safe to say that Frank Sinatra is by far the coolest guy on the list. Member of the rat pack, womanizer, mob affiliate, drinks like a fish and croons like a god. Just by flashing those blue eyes, any girl that he wanted immediately became his. It’s even safe to say that when people throw “Frank Sinatra” themed parties, they are inevitably the coolest party of the year because just trying to be like him makes you a little bit cooler.

Think of the stories he could tell you during a the duration of a few drinks at the bar. Here is an abbreviated list of the people he rubbed elbows with-

  • Dean Martin
  • Sammy Davis Jr.
  • Humphrey Bogart
  • JF – fucking- K
  • Ella Fitzgerald
  • Marilyn Monroe

Basically if you were somebody worth knowing in Hollywood, Sinatra knew you. He won awards for just about anything you can imagine, dude is straight legit. Put it this way, when Sinatra died all of Las Vegas honored him by DIMMING THE LIGHTS ALL DOWN THE STRIP. The whole damn city. Yeah, I’d like to have a drink with him.

#1 – Ol’ Dirty Bastard (Rapper)

Ol’ Dirty Bastard, or Russel Jones, is one of the founding members of Wu-Tang Clan and I’m pretty sure legitimately insane. ODB was in and out of jail all of his life and never once did it phase him. So much to the point that at one time while ODB was incarcerated he managed to escape, head to a Wu-Tang concert, sneak back stage, and then perform in front of a packed audience.

“Fuck jail, I gotta rap tonight”

Rules simply didn’t apply to ODB. It was reported that at one point he showed up to pick up a welfare check by arriving by bus SHOWING UP IN A LIMO. His physical behavior isn’t even the extent of it all. Through his 35 years he had about ten million aliases, including but not limited to:

  • Big Baby Jesus, Sweet Baby Jesus
  • Dirt McGirt, Dirt Dog
  • Russell Jones
  • Osirus, Osiris the Father
  • Joe Bananas
  • Ol’ Dirt Schultz
  • Hasaan
  • Old Dirty Chinese Restaurant
  • Ill Irving the Murderer
  • The BZA
  • The Drunken Master Styles
  • Ason Jones, Ason Unique
  • Rain Man
  • The Man of All Rainbows

Hell, just think of random words and odds are he went by that at one time.

When he died he went out in a blaze of glory, blowing down coke and painkillers. A truly shocking end.

ODB’s insanity over time made him into a sort of cult hero and the #1 person I’d like to have a drink with.

Honorable Mentions

  • Burt Reynolds
  • Tom Selleck
  • Craig Finn
  • Any other member of Wu-Tang
  • Ozzie Guillen
  • Artie Lang
  • Earnest Hemmingway
  • Henry Rollins
  • Danzig