Archive for the Bad Ass Dudes Category

Scrap Iron Presents a SyFy Original

Posted in Bad Ass Dudes on May 5, 2010 by Scrap Iron

Now I’m not exactly sure what the other Dongers (or did are we going by GODers? I forget.)  did during our extended Spring Break hiatus, but I’ll tell you this much right now.  Scrap Iron. Got. Shit. Done.  I took up and subsequently quit karate, picked up a Crystal Meth habit (which I’m happy to say I quit), and got into the screenwriting/marketing business.  Now that I type that out it doesn’t seem like I actually did get. shit. done.

Oh well, I won’t be worrying about that when I’m sitting on easy street smoking cigars.  Following in the footsteps as such greats as Michael Davis and Jim Wynorski , I’ve decided to take up the ancient art of writing Syfy original movies, and in the process, make millions upon millions of dollars.  With a series of writers, whom names I’ve forgotten, we’ve came up with the following.

Veloci-Spider

“A small Indiana town encounters a crisis of 8 legged proportions when a mutant prehistoric arachnid begins feasting on the townsfolk. The town’s sheriff and a retired archaeologist are the only hope to stop the beast before it begins to breed and spread throughout the country.
Starring: Lou Diamond Phillips, Sam Neill”

I don’t want to give too much away, but here’s a little sneak peek at the opening scene.

A group of four college co-eds are leaving a party to find a place a bit more romantic.  Just as things get a little hot and heavy, there’s a strange rustling in the woods.  College Guy 1 (his legal given name) goes out to investigate.  Upon finding nothing, he decides to drain the lizard (he’s been pounding Natty Lights all night).  Mid-stream and whistling dixie, a strange shadowy figure descends from a tree.  A blood curdling scream is heard as blood splatters all over the car windshield and we see THE VELOSCISPIDER.

Artist Rendering

Artist Rendering

Then we’ve got this little beaut.
Death on the Beach

A veteran lifeguard (David Hasselhoff) faces his most difficult rescue ever when tourists begin “drowning” in their own blood due to attacks by a creature that stalks by night. Can he stop this creature before it ruins spring break? All while trying to win back the heart of the one that got away… (Pamela Anderson)”

Again, not to ruin too much but here’s another sneak preview of the first scene.  A group of co-eds is celebrating the end of the college year with a party on the beach.  A couple sneaks off to a lifeguard stand to get a little frisky.  Mid oral-pleasure, the guy opens his eyes to find that all that’s left of his sweetheart is her head.  The body has been completely eaten by a WEREWOLF.

Fuckin’ awesome, right? If for some weird ass reason Veloscispiders and Werewolves aren’t your thing.  How do fucking zombies grab ya?!

Staph Infection

A zombie outbreak takes place in rural Nebraska, and the army is sent in to rid the hospital of zombies. Joseph Staph has just found out that his wife is in labor at the very hospital he has been assigned to.  Can he make it there in time, and kill enough zombies, to safe his wife and unborn son?  John Cena stars as Joseph Staph in, Staph Infection.”

Say hello to 2013s biggest blockbuster, ladies and gents.  Now, if those are a little too Sci-Fi’ish for you, there’s this little action movie lined up for ya.

Chezch First Mate

“A group of Czechoslovakian terrorists attack a cruise liner in hopes of an easy score.  What they hadn’t counted on was First Mate John Bishop (Mickey Rourke) being an ex-green beret.”

A terrorist is drawn out onto the deck by odd tapping sounds that he suspects might be Bishop.  When he walks outside all he sees is a shuffleboard area and a life sized chess set.  After he turns around, one of the chess pieces rises into the air to reveal that Bishop was hidden under it all along.  He snaps the terrorists neck as he utters “check mate”.

You’ve got my number, Hollywood.

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MY GUY VINCE

Posted in Bad Ass Dudes, Videos on February 15, 2010 by Tuesday McGavin

Tuesday can roll with the youtube too.

P.S. You’ll love his nuts.

If that doesn’t make your monday better you’re probably a d-bag.

Some Dudes are Dudes I Want to Drink With

Posted in Bad Ass Dudes on February 8, 2010 by Dirt Linwood

There are a lot of people in the United States of America. In fact, according the those census people there are 304,059,724. That’s a shit ton of people. And I would assume that a fair amount of people in that population are pretty cool dudes and chicks. But when it comes down to brass tacks, I bet only about 1% of that cool sub-set are people I would actually want to sit down and have a drink with.

There are cool dudes and then there are the dudes who define the word cool. These people broke the boundaries and went from “Oh, yeah, he’s a cool dude” to “God damn, that dude is cool.” The latter are the people who I want to drink with.

To me these are the dudes that were edgy with a dash of rebellion. The rules did not apply to these people, if only for the fact that everyone was almost in a sort of awe. They drank, smoked, fought, and I would probably assume listened to Ace Of Spades or something of that sort of cools equivalent on a regular basis. More than likely they banged by the bushel and somehow found a way to do it in a classy way, the James Bond way, if you will. Below is the top ten list of dudes that I think would be legit to get a drink with. Oh, by the way, some of these dudes are in movies.

#10 – James Dalton (Cooler, Double Deuce Bar)

Dalton makes a strong case to be number one on this list, the one issue is that dude drinks coffee at the bar instead of something like whiskey on the rocks. We’re going to let this go and I’ll tell you why despite this flaw, Dalton still cracks the top ten. First off, the dude is jacked and still manages to smoke about a pack of Reds every day, including when he first wakes up.  Dude rolls over in bed and the first thing he does is light up a nice grit. He also can basically bang anyone he wants; Dalton is in town for like a day before the towns token hot chick doctor wants to hop on his D.

I’m just saying that if I got into a bar fight and a guy slashed me with a knife, more than likely I’d probably make a scene. Dalton on the other hand epitomizes what it means to be cool by simply looking this bombshell in the eys and saying “Pain don’t hurt”. PAIN DON’T HURT. If this isn’t enough, Dalton makes this list for the simple fact that he beats people up RIPS OUT PEOPLES THROAT. Dude is cool, straight up cool.

#9 – Lemmy (Motörhead)

If you like to gamble, I tell you I’m your man
You win some, lose some, it’s – all – the same to me
The pleasure is to play, it makes no difference what you say
I don’t share your greed, the only card I need is
The Ace Of Spades
The Ace Of Spades

Playing for the high one, dancing with the devil,
Going with the flow, it’s all a game to me,
Seven or Eleven, snake eyes watching you,
Double up or quit, double stakes or split,
The Ace Of Spades
The Ace Of Spades

You know I’m born to lose, and gambling’s for fools,
But that’s the way I like it baby,
I don’t wanna live forever,
And don’t forget the joker!

Pushing up the ante, I know you’ve got to see me,
Read ’em and weep, the dead man’s hand again,
I see it in your eyes, take one look and die,
The only thing you see, you know it’s gonna be,
The Ace Of Spades
The Ace Of Spades

That sums that up.

#8 – John Daly (Golfer)

It has been reported that at the age of 23 John Daly drank a fifth of Jack Daniels every day. Shockingly, it was during this time that he also found himself kicked off a British Airlines flight for gettin’ a tad too fresh with one of the female flight attendants. Daly’s own swing coach quit saying that the most important thing in Daly’s life was getting drunk. This was in 2008. That’s decades of straight getting shitty while still maintaing professional status. Listen, golf may not be the manliest sport and all that jazz, but it certainly isn’t east. Daly did that shit while practically blacked out.

Daly himself once said the reason he doesn’t work out is that he can’t smoke throughout the process.

Cool.

#7 – Scott Hall (Professional Wrestler)

From his swagger walking down to the ring to his personal bad-assery, Scott Hall is one dude that I absolutely would love to kick back some Jameson with. Hall has won at least one million titles, or something like that, over the course of two decades. He won every match with more machismo than anyone to ever step in the squared circle. Lets also not forget he’s on of the original three members of New World Order. During his time with WWF, Ramon even gave a big fuck you to the man, taking part in the MSG incident.

But the part that really gives me the desire to buy him the drink of his choice is that in 2008 Hall publicly attacked a man during the roast of the Iron Sheik.  Ya, a comedian on-stage made a joke about Owen Hart (R.I.P) and, well to be honest, Hall did not find it so funny. He attacked the comedian, stole his microphone, and repeattedly ranted about how disrespectful it was. Hall ain’t no nugget.

#6 – Abe Lincoln

It’s a pretty well known fact that Abe kept a bottle of moonshine under his hat during all public events to keep the edge off. That alone is reason enough to put him on the list of people I’d love to have a drink with. Not to mention that his tall stature and long reach made him the equivalant of a boxing kangaroo. I think I read somewhere that the whole reason George Washington had wooden teeth was because Lincoln punched them out. There was also the whole thing with him giving the finger in the middle to the south and ending slavery. I guess all that is pretty badass.

So I made up most all of that (sort of). But would you not want to drink with Abe?

#5 – Jaws (Shark)

“We’re going to need a bigger boat”

Rob Schneider was a weird dude in Jaws. Lived on an island, hated water…blah blah blah. But dude was pretty spot on with that statement. Jaws was a killing machine. He swam wherever he wanted and mucked up any thing that got in his way. At one point this swimming piece of death had three huge barrels stuck in his back and he still pulled them all under water. Oh wait, he SANK A SHIP. I’m not a marine biologist by any means but I have to assume this shark after a long day would head down to the local Clam-Pub and slam some rum and tequila.  There are few things in this world that can say they shut down an entire fourth of july weekend at some swanky island. Jaws can. I’m not real big on water and the ocean (mainly because of things like Jaws) but if I was assured safety somehow, Jaws is definitely a legit OG. I’d love to by the dude a shot of chum and kick it for a while.

#4 – Clint Eastwood (Actor/Director)

If I really wanted to, I could have probably filled up half all of this list with Clint Eastwoood characters. Blondie, Dirty Harry, Rowdy Yates, the racist dude from Gran Torino…etc. All of the above are totally dudes I would want to drink with. Basically his Blondie character in the Dollars trilogy is what I actually use as a defining basis for a bad mother fucker. There isn’t a human alive or dead who I honestly think would have a chance. Anyone Blondie couldn’t out-fight, he could out-shoot, out-drink, and out-wit them. With that in mind, I have to assume that Blondie was basically based off Clint Eastwood as a human. It really only makes sense. The best part is, I wouldn’t even have to buy a drink for Clint. We’d probably ride out to the desert, sit by a fire, and swig pure grain alcohol out of a brown jug.

The dude is also a legit director. Which gets some cool points as well.

#3 – Tom Waits (Singer)


On Tom Wait’s voice:

“like it was soaked in a vat of bourbon, left hanging in the smokehouse for a few months, and then taken outside and run over with a car.”

So I mean, that’s cool. Waits is up their with the founders of cool and is by far top three of the coolest dudes to ever walk the planet. Wait’s lived in the Tropicana Motel on Sunset Blvd which at the time was the epicenter of cool and anyone who was hip on the underground jazzy/bluesy/rock scene. He took influence from Dylan, Sinatra, Louis Armstrong, Jack Kerouac and the like. He formed a mash-up of all of them, mixed it with some dialogue and a lot of bourbon and said print that shit up on a record.

He refuses to sell out. Waits will sue just about any human who tries to rip his shit and toss it into a commercial. Even Michael Jackson took a shot from Waits for putting one of his songs in a Pepsi commercial. In 2005 Waits sued a Scandinavian country for this particular reason and gave all of his winnings to charity.

Tom Waits has so much soul it practically radiates of him. He’s hip, original, and keeps to his principles. This all on top of the fact he loves bourbon, cigarettes, playing in dive bars makes Waits a must have on anyone’s Drinking list. Oh, and he hangs out with Chuck E. Weiss who basically invented cool.

#2 -Frank Sinatra (Singer)

I think it is pretty safe to say that Frank Sinatra is by far the coolest guy on the list. Member of the rat pack, womanizer, mob affiliate, drinks like a fish and croons like a god. Just by flashing those blue eyes, any girl that he wanted immediately became his. It’s even safe to say that when people throw “Frank Sinatra” themed parties, they are inevitably the coolest party of the year because just trying to be like him makes you a little bit cooler.

Think of the stories he could tell you during a the duration of a few drinks at the bar. Here is an abbreviated list of the people he rubbed elbows with-

  • Dean Martin
  • Sammy Davis Jr.
  • Humphrey Bogart
  • JF – fucking- K
  • Ella Fitzgerald
  • Marilyn Monroe

Basically if you were somebody worth knowing in Hollywood, Sinatra knew you. He won awards for just about anything you can imagine, dude is straight legit. Put it this way, when Sinatra died all of Las Vegas honored him by DIMMING THE LIGHTS ALL DOWN THE STRIP. The whole damn city. Yeah, I’d like to have a drink with him.

#1 – Ol’ Dirty Bastard (Rapper)

Ol’ Dirty Bastard, or Russel Jones, is one of the founding members of Wu-Tang Clan and I’m pretty sure legitimately insane. ODB was in and out of jail all of his life and never once did it phase him. So much to the point that at one time while ODB was incarcerated he managed to escape, head to a Wu-Tang concert, sneak back stage, and then perform in front of a packed audience.

“Fuck jail, I gotta rap tonight”

Rules simply didn’t apply to ODB. It was reported that at one point he showed up to pick up a welfare check by arriving by bus SHOWING UP IN A LIMO. His physical behavior isn’t even the extent of it all. Through his 35 years he had about ten million aliases, including but not limited to:

  • Big Baby Jesus, Sweet Baby Jesus
  • Dirt McGirt, Dirt Dog
  • Russell Jones
  • Osirus, Osiris the Father
  • Joe Bananas
  • Ol’ Dirt Schultz
  • Hasaan
  • Old Dirty Chinese Restaurant
  • Ill Irving the Murderer
  • The BZA
  • The Drunken Master Styles
  • Ason Jones, Ason Unique
  • Rain Man
  • The Man of All Rainbows

Hell, just think of random words and odds are he went by that at one time.

When he died he went out in a blaze of glory, blowing down coke and painkillers. A truly shocking end.

ODB’s insanity over time made him into a sort of cult hero and the #1 person I’d like to have a drink with.

Honorable Mentions

  • Burt Reynolds
  • Tom Selleck
  • Craig Finn
  • Any other member of Wu-Tang
  • Ozzie Guillen
  • Artie Lang
  • Earnest Hemmingway
  • Henry Rollins
  • Danzig

Pain Don’t Hurt

Posted in Bad Ass Dudes on February 3, 2010 by Dirt Linwood

We at Greg Oden’s Dong may be a little late for the boat here, but it really does need to happen.

R.I.P.

I’m going to be honest, though I don’t feel as if I’m really going out onto a limb by saying this, but a little bit of masculinity passed away with him.

I’m tearin’ up.

Adios, Amigo…

– Dirt