Author Archive

The Red are the best baseball team ever.

Posted in Uncategorized on April 20, 2010 by Dirt Linwood

I swear to god that watching the Cincinnati Reds play baseball is the equivalent of watching an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

Its not to bad at first but you know by the end something stupid will happen which makes it suck totally too many dicks.

(Note the the reader – I’m writing this as I’m watching the second half of the Cincinnati Reds first game in the home-stand against the Dodgers, so there’s a good chance I’ll probably just end up punching through my screen before I finish.)

We’ve won a total of five games this season, which I mean I guess could be worse. What’s so sweet about it though is that all five of our wins came in the final at bat. Basically we’re about as close to being 0-13 as we can get. We still haven’t had a pitcher register a win, so for those who aren’t big statisticians like me the combined win total of our starting pitchers is ZERO.

I’ve yet to be able to watch a game and just enjoy a good win. All five wins happened when we basically lucked into a few hits or managed to not completely blow the lead. Tonight, for example, we were up 9-3 in the 7th inning. I’m for sure we’re finally going to get that solid win but I made one drastic mistake by taking that course of though – We have Nick Masset as a set up man. Masset may be the worst pitcher in the history of baseball. He has no move to first base (see game 1 of the Pittsburgh series), he constantly is hanging balls over the plate to get crushed (see James Loney in tonights game), and overall the dude just looks like a bag of shit.

At this point in my life I’m a one Paul Janish away from just calling this season a wash.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT JANISH

Two seconds after I wrote the above statement, Janish hits a looping 2 RBI single which turns into a double because his mind-blowing talent wooed the Dodgers into making a mistake.

STOP STRIKING OUT STUBBS. Good god. The man is blind, I’m almost 100% sure.

Masset sucks, Janish rules, the Village was a stupid movie and M. Night Shymalan is a weird fucking dude.

Go reds.

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Chris Carpenter can suck it.

Posted in Uncategorized on April 2, 2010 by Dirt Linwood

Opening day is less than a week away and Scrap Iron, The RHN, and myself are making the trip down to Great American Ballpark to catch the Reds face off against the Cards.

If things go as planned, we’ll slug about 3 dingers and B-Phil will hit for the cycle while Ryan Hannigan hits an infield single.

Right?

….

God damnit, last year Johan Santana and this year Chris Carpenter?

For two years Carpenter didn’t even pitch because his arm fell off his body and he still comes back as a 17 game winner. What the hell, Carpenter.

Luckly, the Reds have Harangatang on the mound. Should be a pitching duel right?

2009 – Chris Carpenter Vs. Aaron Harang

Carpenter: 17-4, 2.24 ERA, 144 SO, 3 CG, 2nd in Cy Young voting

Harang: 6-14, 4.21 ERA, 142 SO, 2 CG, Doesn’t know who Cy Young is

I’m no sabermetrician, but to me it looks like  Carpenter has the edge here, sorry Harang.

“Shucks”

I mean, at least its baseball season.

Lets go reds.

-Dirt

Pitchers and Catchers Report

Posted in Uncategorized on February 23, 2010 by Dirt Linwood

Baseball season has officially started back up. The Reds pitchers and catchers reported to their home in Goodyear, AZ. So to celebrate here is this incredibly inspiring YouTube video:

cool.

The Greatona 500

Posted in Uncategorized on February 11, 2010 by Dirt Linwood

Break out the busch light, cut-off jeans, and you’re finest tank ladies and gentleman because the greatest sporting even of the year is here. There’s not enough Winston cigarettes in the great U.S. of A to appropriately express how excited I am for this Sunday*.

Quick side-bar: Has there ever been a better weekend combo between last weekend and this coming one? I mean, the Superbowl and then Daytona 500? Be sure to give your thanks to the sports gods during your next grace.

I’ll be the first to admit that I know close to nothing about nascar other than the following things:

  • Drive fast, Turn Left
  • If ya ain’t bumpin, ya ain’t racing

Don’t let my lack of actual “racing knowledge” take away from my love of this day. I feel that if one person truly fits the mold of a true nascar fan, it’s me. Let’s go through the checklist:

  1. Wears tank tops to fancy events [X]
  2. Smokes cheap cigs [X]
  3. Owns multiple pairs of jean shorts [X]
  4. Drinks Busch Light regularly [X]

I’m really not sure if more credentials are needed, but trust me, I’ve got them.

This Sunday in Daytona represents more than just sporting in America. It represents freedom. It represents America. And it represents everything we’re fighting for everyday.

“I fucking love freedom. The freedom to race!”

The 500 is a chance to sit around with your buds, crack some cold ones, and shoot the shit. If that isn’t heaven on earth, then hell, I don’t want to go to heaven. With the 500 comes the ability to sit back, and for atleast 500 god damn miles, realize you don’t actually give a finger in the middle about all that other humdrum shit you going on. That’s freedom.

If what I have said hasn’t alreayd inspired you to tune in this sunday you’re either A.) Un-American or B.) Illiterate and you can’t actually read what any of this says. I assume those two options sum up my entire argument, but if you’re a fucking weirdo and you’re not included yet, here is a couple of suggestions that may get your blood flowing a bit.

Watch Days of Thunder.

It’s like Top Gun, but on land!

I can only assume, no, I just plain guarentee that watchin’ Cole Trickle rub paint on the track will make you realize how awesome the 500 will be this weekend. And if it doesn’t, well we can still all get a hearty laugh over the fact his brother was named Dick. Dick Trickle.

“Dick Trickles the name, Racin’s the game”

You have to literally have no sense of humor to not laugh at that name.

So maybe you’ve already seen DoT and you’re still lacking some motivation. Apparently you don’t remember Dale “The Intimidator” Earnhardts last race. Dude let Waltrip win DIED IN AN ATTEMPT TO HELP A FRIEND WIN. To be real truthful I had actually no idea NASCAR had teams and all that shit or if Waltrip was even on his “team” but shits still pretty cool. Not to mention his son was following right behind, so this comes down to family now.

“Barry Pepper is a helluva actor!”

I get that racing isn’t for everyone. What I don’t get is racing. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love the hell out of the Daytona 500. This year I can without a single doubt promise you that if you watch this event you will walk away with atleast something to talk about.What else are you going to chat about around the water cooler? Football is over. Pitchers and Catchers don’t report until the 18th. The winter olympics suck and only 1 out of every 200 people actually care about hockey. Basketball happens all week and you can’t blow that water cooler load on monday. Nobody wants to be the dude who only can talk NBA.

Hell man, I don’t know. Maybe a cool wreck will happen. Maybe Tony Stewart will keep being a douche. Maybe you’ll see some hot trashy boobs in the grandstands.

To end this, I’m going to post funny pictures of fans at NASCAR races. That way you can watch in an ironic fashion or something. C-Ya.

* I’m not sure this sentence makes sense.

Some Dudes are Dudes I Want to Drink With

Posted in Bad Ass Dudes on February 8, 2010 by Dirt Linwood

There are a lot of people in the United States of America. In fact, according the those census people there are 304,059,724. That’s a shit ton of people. And I would assume that a fair amount of people in that population are pretty cool dudes and chicks. But when it comes down to brass tacks, I bet only about 1% of that cool sub-set are people I would actually want to sit down and have a drink with.

There are cool dudes and then there are the dudes who define the word cool. These people broke the boundaries and went from “Oh, yeah, he’s a cool dude” to “God damn, that dude is cool.” The latter are the people who I want to drink with.

To me these are the dudes that were edgy with a dash of rebellion. The rules did not apply to these people, if only for the fact that everyone was almost in a sort of awe. They drank, smoked, fought, and I would probably assume listened to Ace Of Spades or something of that sort of cools equivalent on a regular basis. More than likely they banged by the bushel and somehow found a way to do it in a classy way, the James Bond way, if you will. Below is the top ten list of dudes that I think would be legit to get a drink with. Oh, by the way, some of these dudes are in movies.

#10 – James Dalton (Cooler, Double Deuce Bar)

Dalton makes a strong case to be number one on this list, the one issue is that dude drinks coffee at the bar instead of something like whiskey on the rocks. We’re going to let this go and I’ll tell you why despite this flaw, Dalton still cracks the top ten. First off, the dude is jacked and still manages to smoke about a pack of Reds every day, including when he first wakes up.  Dude rolls over in bed and the first thing he does is light up a nice grit. He also can basically bang anyone he wants; Dalton is in town for like a day before the towns token hot chick doctor wants to hop on his D.

I’m just saying that if I got into a bar fight and a guy slashed me with a knife, more than likely I’d probably make a scene. Dalton on the other hand epitomizes what it means to be cool by simply looking this bombshell in the eys and saying “Pain don’t hurt”. PAIN DON’T HURT. If this isn’t enough, Dalton makes this list for the simple fact that he beats people up RIPS OUT PEOPLES THROAT. Dude is cool, straight up cool.

#9 – Lemmy (Motörhead)

If you like to gamble, I tell you I’m your man
You win some, lose some, it’s – all – the same to me
The pleasure is to play, it makes no difference what you say
I don’t share your greed, the only card I need is
The Ace Of Spades
The Ace Of Spades

Playing for the high one, dancing with the devil,
Going with the flow, it’s all a game to me,
Seven or Eleven, snake eyes watching you,
Double up or quit, double stakes or split,
The Ace Of Spades
The Ace Of Spades

You know I’m born to lose, and gambling’s for fools,
But that’s the way I like it baby,
I don’t wanna live forever,
And don’t forget the joker!

Pushing up the ante, I know you’ve got to see me,
Read ’em and weep, the dead man’s hand again,
I see it in your eyes, take one look and die,
The only thing you see, you know it’s gonna be,
The Ace Of Spades
The Ace Of Spades

That sums that up.

#8 – John Daly (Golfer)

It has been reported that at the age of 23 John Daly drank a fifth of Jack Daniels every day. Shockingly, it was during this time that he also found himself kicked off a British Airlines flight for gettin’ a tad too fresh with one of the female flight attendants. Daly’s own swing coach quit saying that the most important thing in Daly’s life was getting drunk. This was in 2008. That’s decades of straight getting shitty while still maintaing professional status. Listen, golf may not be the manliest sport and all that jazz, but it certainly isn’t east. Daly did that shit while practically blacked out.

Daly himself once said the reason he doesn’t work out is that he can’t smoke throughout the process.

Cool.

#7 – Scott Hall (Professional Wrestler)

From his swagger walking down to the ring to his personal bad-assery, Scott Hall is one dude that I absolutely would love to kick back some Jameson with. Hall has won at least one million titles, or something like that, over the course of two decades. He won every match with more machismo than anyone to ever step in the squared circle. Lets also not forget he’s on of the original three members of New World Order. During his time with WWF, Ramon even gave a big fuck you to the man, taking part in the MSG incident.

But the part that really gives me the desire to buy him the drink of his choice is that in 2008 Hall publicly attacked a man during the roast of the Iron Sheik.  Ya, a comedian on-stage made a joke about Owen Hart (R.I.P) and, well to be honest, Hall did not find it so funny. He attacked the comedian, stole his microphone, and repeattedly ranted about how disrespectful it was. Hall ain’t no nugget.

#6 – Abe Lincoln

It’s a pretty well known fact that Abe kept a bottle of moonshine under his hat during all public events to keep the edge off. That alone is reason enough to put him on the list of people I’d love to have a drink with. Not to mention that his tall stature and long reach made him the equivalant of a boxing kangaroo. I think I read somewhere that the whole reason George Washington had wooden teeth was because Lincoln punched them out. There was also the whole thing with him giving the finger in the middle to the south and ending slavery. I guess all that is pretty badass.

So I made up most all of that (sort of). But would you not want to drink with Abe?

#5 – Jaws (Shark)

“We’re going to need a bigger boat”

Rob Schneider was a weird dude in Jaws. Lived on an island, hated water…blah blah blah. But dude was pretty spot on with that statement. Jaws was a killing machine. He swam wherever he wanted and mucked up any thing that got in his way. At one point this swimming piece of death had three huge barrels stuck in his back and he still pulled them all under water. Oh wait, he SANK A SHIP. I’m not a marine biologist by any means but I have to assume this shark after a long day would head down to the local Clam-Pub and slam some rum and tequila.  There are few things in this world that can say they shut down an entire fourth of july weekend at some swanky island. Jaws can. I’m not real big on water and the ocean (mainly because of things like Jaws) but if I was assured safety somehow, Jaws is definitely a legit OG. I’d love to by the dude a shot of chum and kick it for a while.

#4 – Clint Eastwood (Actor/Director)

If I really wanted to, I could have probably filled up half all of this list with Clint Eastwoood characters. Blondie, Dirty Harry, Rowdy Yates, the racist dude from Gran Torino…etc. All of the above are totally dudes I would want to drink with. Basically his Blondie character in the Dollars trilogy is what I actually use as a defining basis for a bad mother fucker. There isn’t a human alive or dead who I honestly think would have a chance. Anyone Blondie couldn’t out-fight, he could out-shoot, out-drink, and out-wit them. With that in mind, I have to assume that Blondie was basically based off Clint Eastwood as a human. It really only makes sense. The best part is, I wouldn’t even have to buy a drink for Clint. We’d probably ride out to the desert, sit by a fire, and swig pure grain alcohol out of a brown jug.

The dude is also a legit director. Which gets some cool points as well.

#3 – Tom Waits (Singer)


On Tom Wait’s voice:

“like it was soaked in a vat of bourbon, left hanging in the smokehouse for a few months, and then taken outside and run over with a car.”

So I mean, that’s cool. Waits is up their with the founders of cool and is by far top three of the coolest dudes to ever walk the planet. Wait’s lived in the Tropicana Motel on Sunset Blvd which at the time was the epicenter of cool and anyone who was hip on the underground jazzy/bluesy/rock scene. He took influence from Dylan, Sinatra, Louis Armstrong, Jack Kerouac and the like. He formed a mash-up of all of them, mixed it with some dialogue and a lot of bourbon and said print that shit up on a record.

He refuses to sell out. Waits will sue just about any human who tries to rip his shit and toss it into a commercial. Even Michael Jackson took a shot from Waits for putting one of his songs in a Pepsi commercial. In 2005 Waits sued a Scandinavian country for this particular reason and gave all of his winnings to charity.

Tom Waits has so much soul it practically radiates of him. He’s hip, original, and keeps to his principles. This all on top of the fact he loves bourbon, cigarettes, playing in dive bars makes Waits a must have on anyone’s Drinking list. Oh, and he hangs out with Chuck E. Weiss who basically invented cool.

#2 -Frank Sinatra (Singer)

I think it is pretty safe to say that Frank Sinatra is by far the coolest guy on the list. Member of the rat pack, womanizer, mob affiliate, drinks like a fish and croons like a god. Just by flashing those blue eyes, any girl that he wanted immediately became his. It’s even safe to say that when people throw “Frank Sinatra” themed parties, they are inevitably the coolest party of the year because just trying to be like him makes you a little bit cooler.

Think of the stories he could tell you during a the duration of a few drinks at the bar. Here is an abbreviated list of the people he rubbed elbows with-

  • Dean Martin
  • Sammy Davis Jr.
  • Humphrey Bogart
  • JF – fucking- K
  • Ella Fitzgerald
  • Marilyn Monroe

Basically if you were somebody worth knowing in Hollywood, Sinatra knew you. He won awards for just about anything you can imagine, dude is straight legit. Put it this way, when Sinatra died all of Las Vegas honored him by DIMMING THE LIGHTS ALL DOWN THE STRIP. The whole damn city. Yeah, I’d like to have a drink with him.

#1 – Ol’ Dirty Bastard (Rapper)

Ol’ Dirty Bastard, or Russel Jones, is one of the founding members of Wu-Tang Clan and I’m pretty sure legitimately insane. ODB was in and out of jail all of his life and never once did it phase him. So much to the point that at one time while ODB was incarcerated he managed to escape, head to a Wu-Tang concert, sneak back stage, and then perform in front of a packed audience.

“Fuck jail, I gotta rap tonight”

Rules simply didn’t apply to ODB. It was reported that at one point he showed up to pick up a welfare check by arriving by bus SHOWING UP IN A LIMO. His physical behavior isn’t even the extent of it all. Through his 35 years he had about ten million aliases, including but not limited to:

  • Big Baby Jesus, Sweet Baby Jesus
  • Dirt McGirt, Dirt Dog
  • Russell Jones
  • Osirus, Osiris the Father
  • Joe Bananas
  • Ol’ Dirt Schultz
  • Hasaan
  • Old Dirty Chinese Restaurant
  • Ill Irving the Murderer
  • The BZA
  • The Drunken Master Styles
  • Ason Jones, Ason Unique
  • Rain Man
  • The Man of All Rainbows

Hell, just think of random words and odds are he went by that at one time.

When he died he went out in a blaze of glory, blowing down coke and painkillers. A truly shocking end.

ODB’s insanity over time made him into a sort of cult hero and the #1 person I’d like to have a drink with.

Honorable Mentions

  • Burt Reynolds
  • Tom Selleck
  • Craig Finn
  • Any other member of Wu-Tang
  • Ozzie Guillen
  • Artie Lang
  • Earnest Hemmingway
  • Henry Rollins
  • Danzig

It’s a Dog on a Skateboard

Posted in Random on February 5, 2010 by Dirt Linwood

Thursday night with the Greg Odens Dong crew can mean only one thing — Wine Night. We like to kick the shoes off, relax, watch some funnies, and enjoy what any red-blooded American human-being would enjoy — a nice can of bagged wine.

Things were going well but my can ran dry and I needed a quick re-up to keep things flowing. It just so happens that the roommate was sitting near the fridge on this particular night so I asked him if he could draw me a nice can of wine. He’s not exactly one to give without gettin’ a little bit for himself, and he’s a big HUGE fan of the bartering system. In order for him to draw me a glass of wine, I had to draw a picture of a dog riding a skateboard. I got the wine, he got this:

It’s a dog riding skate board.

Of course it is.

-Dirt

Ned? Ned Ryerson?

Posted in Random on February 5, 2010 by Dirt Linwood