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Scrap Iron Presents a SyFy Original

Posted in Bad Ass Dudes on May 5, 2010 by Scrap Iron

Now I’m not exactly sure what the other Dongers (or did are we going by GODers? I forget.)  did during our extended Spring Break hiatus, but I’ll tell you this much right now.  Scrap Iron. Got. Shit. Done.  I took up and subsequently quit karate, picked up a Crystal Meth habit (which I’m happy to say I quit), and got into the screenwriting/marketing business.  Now that I type that out it doesn’t seem like I actually did get. shit. done.

Oh well, I won’t be worrying about that when I’m sitting on easy street smoking cigars.  Following in the footsteps as such greats as Michael Davis and Jim Wynorski , I’ve decided to take up the ancient art of writing Syfy original movies, and in the process, make millions upon millions of dollars.  With a series of writers, whom names I’ve forgotten, we’ve came up with the following.

Veloci-Spider

“A small Indiana town encounters a crisis of 8 legged proportions when a mutant prehistoric arachnid begins feasting on the townsfolk. The town’s sheriff and a retired archaeologist are the only hope to stop the beast before it begins to breed and spread throughout the country.
Starring: Lou Diamond Phillips, Sam Neill”

I don’t want to give too much away, but here’s a little sneak peek at the opening scene.

A group of four college co-eds are leaving a party to find a place a bit more romantic.  Just as things get a little hot and heavy, there’s a strange rustling in the woods.  College Guy 1 (his legal given name) goes out to investigate.  Upon finding nothing, he decides to drain the lizard (he’s been pounding Natty Lights all night).  Mid-stream and whistling dixie, a strange shadowy figure descends from a tree.  A blood curdling scream is heard as blood splatters all over the car windshield and we see THE VELOSCISPIDER.

Artist Rendering

Artist Rendering

Then we’ve got this little beaut.
Death on the Beach

A veteran lifeguard (David Hasselhoff) faces his most difficult rescue ever when tourists begin “drowning” in their own blood due to attacks by a creature that stalks by night. Can he stop this creature before it ruins spring break? All while trying to win back the heart of the one that got away… (Pamela Anderson)”

Again, not to ruin too much but here’s another sneak preview of the first scene.  A group of co-eds is celebrating the end of the college year with a party on the beach.  A couple sneaks off to a lifeguard stand to get a little frisky.  Mid oral-pleasure, the guy opens his eyes to find that all that’s left of his sweetheart is her head.  The body has been completely eaten by a WEREWOLF.

Fuckin’ awesome, right? If for some weird ass reason Veloscispiders and Werewolves aren’t your thing.  How do fucking zombies grab ya?!

Staph Infection

A zombie outbreak takes place in rural Nebraska, and the army is sent in to rid the hospital of zombies. Joseph Staph has just found out that his wife is in labor at the very hospital he has been assigned to.  Can he make it there in time, and kill enough zombies, to safe his wife and unborn son?  John Cena stars as Joseph Staph in, Staph Infection.”

Say hello to 2013s biggest blockbuster, ladies and gents.  Now, if those are a little too Sci-Fi’ish for you, there’s this little action movie lined up for ya.

Chezch First Mate

“A group of Czechoslovakian terrorists attack a cruise liner in hopes of an easy score.  What they hadn’t counted on was First Mate John Bishop (Mickey Rourke) being an ex-green beret.”

A terrorist is drawn out onto the deck by odd tapping sounds that he suspects might be Bishop.  When he walks outside all he sees is a shuffleboard area and a life sized chess set.  After he turns around, one of the chess pieces rises into the air to reveal that Bishop was hidden under it all along.  He snaps the terrorists neck as he utters “check mate”.

You’ve got my number, Hollywood.

Stop What You Are Doing Right Now

Posted in Uncategorized on March 13, 2010 by Scrap Iron

Everyone stop what you’re doing. Put everything down and make this your number one priority.

Folliow popular Greg Odens Donger Scrap Iron on twitter https://twitter.com/ISNTTHATRIGHT

Do it!

Follow Scrap Iron on twitter!!

Follow Scrap Iron on twitter!!

FOLLOW SCRAP IRON ON TWITTER!

Or suck it!!!

Or don’t, man, I don’t care. Just follow that tweet sheet

Invest in DONG

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on February 9, 2010 by Scrap Iron

Between all the revenue we’re pulling in here at GOD.NET, er… tha DONG (a million plus viewers daily) and the $5 I won on a lottery ticket yesterday, we’ve got all sorts of disposable income these days. So, like any smart investor, we’re putting it all in Greg Oden memorabilia. Our financial advisor pleaded with us not to, but last time I saw him he was working in a cubicle, not on a yacht, so what the fuck does he know. Anyways, being the kinda guys that we are, we’re gonna pass the savings straight on to you, the paying customer.

It may seem a little steep at $313.96, but you gotta spend money to make money, babe. This Greg Oden signed basketball is basically as close as you can come to a “slam dunk” when it comes to financial investments. “Slam dunk” is also a basketball playing term so that last statement is fucking hilarious. Humorous puns aside and back to what we’re all here for; financial tips and advice. What you may not know is that Mr. Oden is very select on what he’ll sign his name on, so this is a rare find indeed. As the years go on and he amasses his multiple MVP awards and Championship rings, it’ll only help to cement his place in the National Basketball Associations Hall of Fame and make this basketball rise in value like Shawn Kemp rises in front of so many judges at paternity test hearings. Among basketball experts, it’s no so much a question of “if” Greg will reach the Hall of Fame, but “how long”, so be patient my friends. Buy it now and sleep comfortably at night knowing that you have one of maybe 10 autographed basketballs signed by a first ballot Hall of Famer and arguably the best basketball player of all time, and in a month or two when that happens this will essentially be a license to print your own money.

In the downtrodden times of our economy, gold is the one constant that we as Americans can count on not to depreciate in value. Not only is gold not depreciating, it’s price is skyrocketing! That makes this stunning Greg Oden framed and matted 8×10 and gold coin set an even sweeter deal, as if it weren’t sweet as taffy already. Included with these two priceless gold coins, whose price will somehow actually RISE, is this gorgeous 8×10 glossy photo of Greg getting ready to execute a picture perfect (it’s literally a picture) no-look chest pass straight into row 5B.USA! USA! USA!

You’ve no doubt seen this clip on a few hundred highlight reels, so I won’t bore you with the details on how this play single handedly won the US the 2010 Winter Olympics and brought us out of National debt, you’ve heard it, I get it. Now it’s your chance to own a piece of American history that’s just as, if not more important than the Declaration of Independence. Don’t pass this up, a chance like this only comes around every two or three days. Note: We’ve gotten a few e-mails about this in the past couple days and I cannot reiterate this enough. No matter how much you want to crack into that glass and use those babies as slammers in your next pog tournament, DON’T DO IT. These are worth much, much more as a set, and you can’t risk having one of your jerk friends try to run off with one like Anthony Davis did with my hologram Grim Reaper slammer in the 3rd grade. I did’t forget, Anthony!

Gold isn’t the only precious metal rising in value; so is mercury, so crack open those old thermometers and take that sweet, sweet mercury down to the flea market. Or, if mercury posioning is a concern (pussy), sterling silver is on the rise too. And why not be fiscally smart AND stylish? That’s where this little beauty comes in. Kanye has his Jesus piece, Gucci has his Bart Simpson piece, and now you can have your very own Oden piece. The perfect accessory for this Greg Oden bracelet and these beautiful Trailblazer earrings.

These next couple things our guru tells us that while they may not necessarily make us rich monetarily, they will make us rich spiritually. Don’t know what that means but whatevs, pop the Crys, we’re filthy stinking rich.

My New Years resolution this year, as it is every year, is to finally slam dunk. This year is finally the year. By simply buying this basketball you are guaranteed to be dunking like a young Dominique Wilkins within the week. It also turns your knees into paper mâché, but who cares? Dunking!!

If you’re anything like me, you do a lot of paper work outside. Taxes, TPS reports, Romantic comedy scripts, whatever. How frustrating is it when a big ole gust of wind comes through and blows them all amuck, costing you hours of wasted time and energy picking up the pieces? Professional paper holders require minimum wage and try to unionize, and glue and tape are sticky and cumbersome. Thats where this beautiful Greg Oden paper weight comes in. And all for two easy payments of $3.99! Wow!! Buy now!!!

IT’S ODEN TIME!!!

A BLAST FROM THE (PAST)MUSTACHE

Posted in Mustaches on February 6, 2010 by Scrap Iron

It’s not all about laughs here at the DONG, we like to do the people a service. And as it’s National Heart Awareness Month (maybe) we’d like to give you a few pointers on how to keep it healthy.

So check this out, according to the the American Heart Association, cardiovascular disease claimed 864,480 lives in 2005. Thats 35.3 percent of all deaths or 1 out of every 2.8 deaths. Thats ridiculous! A recent study done by Kristal, Silber, & Froom came to the conclusion that the higher your heart rate, the higher your chance from suffering from cardiovascular disease is. Another study done by O’Donnell, Brydon, Wright, & Steptoe showed that people with higher self-esteem had lower heart rates while taking various different tests. Ipso facto, the higher your self-esteem, the lower your heart rate, the healthier your heart is the healthier you are.

You know what makes raises your self-esteem? Sluggin’ dingers and striking dudes out.

Now you might be asking yourself what makes these guys such great athletes. Is it good genes? An Incredible work ethic? Natural talent? No, it’s that they both have thick, beautiful mustaches.

Don’t just take my word for it, Rollie Fingers (pictured here on the right) who was, arguably, one of the greatest relief pitchers in the history of baseball, made no bones about giving all the credit to his Hall of Fame Mustache. In an interview he spoke about how his whole team grew mustaches in 1972 and he quote “wanted to do something a little different, so I let the ends grow, put a little wax on it, turned it up and saw what it looked like. Bingo, bango, we started winning and I started getting guys out.”

You might think that these are just the incoherent ramblings of an old man with a zany mustache, but this isn’t the only case. Last year Yankee great Jason Giambi grew out his mustache from May 17th to June 22nd. During this time his stats went through the roof.

Now, if you’re not into baseball, these stats are steroid-allegation worthy. He was tested for steroids, and the only thing that was found in his system was pure testosterone.

Maybe sports isn’t your thing. The brilliant Jean Chatzky of Oprah show fame has said that , and I quote, charitable involvement has been shown to help raise self-esteem.”

It just so happens that the good people over at the Follicle Freedom Foundation have set up a charity event based on men growing mustaches for the month of March, which as some you may know, is this month. I know we’re a little late to the show here, but theres still plenty of time to get on, start donating, and start growin that mustache.


Theres also something I’d like to briefly touch on that will be discussed in my video in a little bit. Women absolutely love mustaches, it’s true. You can’t walk down the streets with one of these things, it’s like living in a real life Axe commercial. It’s like… ok, you know how peacocks have all those feathers to attract other peacocks? That’s what this is. Except with human women, not peacocks.

Now I know some of you may think that you can’t grow a mustache, well I have a couple quick and easy solutions for you.

First, you have the fake mustache. They’re cheap, and if done right can look fairly natural. Tom Selleck wore a fake mustache his entire life. Or for the less thrifty, theres Rogaine, which is the only hair growing product officially approved by the FDA, so theres that.

I also saw that many of you said that you didn’t like the way mustaches look. I think these might change your mind.

Nic Cage with a mustache: Perfectly normal looking man.


Nic Cage without a mustache: Crazed lunatic.


Alex Trebek with a mustache: Loveable old, strangly erotic Alex Trebek.


Alex Trebek without a Mustache: Some sort of leathery puppet monster.


Brad Pitt with a Mustache: Well, it’s Brad Pitt with a mustache.


Brad Pitt without a Mustache: …
I think I rest my case. So, in conclusion, I urge you all to either grow a mustache or convince the ones you love to grow a mustache, and I’d like to leave you with some wise words from Jason Giambi.