Scrap Iron Presents a SyFy Original

Now I’m not exactly sure what the other Dongers (or did are we going by GODers? I forget.)  did during our extended Spring Break hiatus, but I’ll tell you this much right now.  Scrap Iron. Got. Shit. Done.  I took up and subsequently quit karate, picked up a Crystal Meth habit (which I’m happy to say I quit), and got into the screenwriting/marketing business.  Now that I type that out it doesn’t seem like I actually did get. shit. done.

Oh well, I won’t be worrying about that when I’m sitting on easy street smoking cigars.  Following in the footsteps as such greats as Michael Davis and Jim Wynorski , I’ve decided to take up the ancient art of writing Syfy original movies, and in the process, make millions upon millions of dollars.  With a series of writers, whom names I’ve forgotten, we’ve came up with the following.

Veloci-Spider

“A small Indiana town encounters a crisis of 8 legged proportions when a mutant prehistoric arachnid begins feasting on the townsfolk. The town’s sheriff and a retired archaeologist are the only hope to stop the beast before it begins to breed and spread throughout the country.
Starring: Lou Diamond Phillips, Sam Neill”

I don’t want to give too much away, but here’s a little sneak peek at the opening scene.

A group of four college co-eds are leaving a party to find a place a bit more romantic.  Just as things get a little hot and heavy, there’s a strange rustling in the woods.  College Guy 1 (his legal given name) goes out to investigate.  Upon finding nothing, he decides to drain the lizard (he’s been pounding Natty Lights all night).  Mid-stream and whistling dixie, a strange shadowy figure descends from a tree.  A blood curdling scream is heard as blood splatters all over the car windshield and we see THE VELOSCISPIDER.

Artist Rendering

Artist Rendering

Then we’ve got this little beaut.
Death on the Beach

A veteran lifeguard (David Hasselhoff) faces his most difficult rescue ever when tourists begin “drowning” in their own blood due to attacks by a creature that stalks by night. Can he stop this creature before it ruins spring break? All while trying to win back the heart of the one that got away… (Pamela Anderson)”

Again, not to ruin too much but here’s another sneak preview of the first scene.  A group of co-eds is celebrating the end of the college year with a party on the beach.  A couple sneaks off to a lifeguard stand to get a little frisky.  Mid oral-pleasure, the guy opens his eyes to find that all that’s left of his sweetheart is her head.  The body has been completely eaten by a WEREWOLF.

Fuckin’ awesome, right? If for some weird ass reason Veloscispiders and Werewolves aren’t your thing.  How do fucking zombies grab ya?!

Staph Infection

A zombie outbreak takes place in rural Nebraska, and the army is sent in to rid the hospital of zombies. Joseph Staph has just found out that his wife is in labor at the very hospital he has been assigned to.  Can he make it there in time, and kill enough zombies, to safe his wife and unborn son?  John Cena stars as Joseph Staph in, Staph Infection.”

Say hello to 2013s biggest blockbuster, ladies and gents.  Now, if those are a little too Sci-Fi’ish for you, there’s this little action movie lined up for ya.

Chezch First Mate

“A group of Czechoslovakian terrorists attack a cruise liner in hopes of an easy score.  What they hadn’t counted on was First Mate John Bishop (Mickey Rourke) being an ex-green beret.”

A terrorist is drawn out onto the deck by odd tapping sounds that he suspects might be Bishop.  When he walks outside all he sees is a shuffleboard area and a life sized chess set.  After he turns around, one of the chess pieces rises into the air to reveal that Bishop was hidden under it all along.  He snaps the terrorists neck as he utters “check mate”.

You’ve got my number, Hollywood.

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