The Greatona 500

Break out the busch light, cut-off jeans, and you’re finest tank ladies and gentleman because the greatest sporting even of the year is here. There’s not enough Winston cigarettes in the great U.S. of A to appropriately express how excited I am for this Sunday*.

Quick side-bar: Has there ever been a better weekend combo between last weekend and this coming one? I mean, the Superbowl and then Daytona 500? Be sure to give your thanks to the sports gods during your next grace.

I’ll be the first to admit that I know close to nothing about nascar other than the following things:

  • Drive fast, Turn Left
  • If ya ain’t bumpin, ya ain’t racing

Don’t let my lack of actual “racing knowledge” take away from my love of this day. I feel that if one person truly fits the mold of a true nascar fan, it’s me. Let’s go through the checklist:

  1. Wears tank tops to fancy events [X]
  2. Smokes cheap cigs [X]
  3. Owns multiple pairs of jean shorts [X]
  4. Drinks Busch Light regularly [X]

I’m really not sure if more credentials are needed, but trust me, I’ve got them.

This Sunday in Daytona represents more than just sporting in America. It represents freedom. It represents America. And it represents everything we’re fighting for everyday.

“I fucking love freedom. The freedom to race!”

The 500 is a chance to sit around with your buds, crack some cold ones, and shoot the shit. If that isn’t heaven on earth, then hell, I don’t want to go to heaven. With the 500 comes the ability to sit back, and for atleast 500 god damn miles, realize you don’t actually give a finger in the middle about all that other humdrum shit you going on. That’s freedom.

If what I have said hasn’t alreayd inspired you to tune in this sunday you’re either A.) Un-American or B.) Illiterate and you can’t actually read what any of this says. I assume those two options sum up my entire argument, but if you’re a fucking weirdo and you’re not included yet, here is a couple of suggestions that may get your blood flowing a bit.

Watch Days of Thunder.

It’s like Top Gun, but on land!

I can only assume, no, I just plain guarentee that watchin’ Cole Trickle rub paint on the track will make you realize how awesome the 500 will be this weekend. And if it doesn’t, well we can still all get a hearty laugh over the fact his brother was named Dick. Dick Trickle.

“Dick Trickles the name, Racin’s the game”

You have to literally have no sense of humor to not laugh at that name.

So maybe you’ve already seen DoT and you’re still lacking some motivation. Apparently you don’t remember Dale “The Intimidator” Earnhardts last race. Dude let Waltrip win DIED IN AN ATTEMPT TO HELP A FRIEND WIN. To be real truthful I had actually no idea NASCAR had teams and all that shit or if Waltrip was even on his “team” but shits still pretty cool. Not to mention his son was following right behind, so this comes down to family now.

“Barry Pepper is a helluva actor!”

I get that racing isn’t for everyone. What I don’t get is racing. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love the hell out of the Daytona 500. This year I can without a single doubt promise you that if you watch this event you will walk away with atleast something to talk about.What else are you going to chat about around the water cooler? Football is over. Pitchers and Catchers don’t report until the 18th. The winter olympics suck and only 1 out of every 200 people actually care about hockey. Basketball happens all week and you can’t blow that water cooler load on monday. Nobody wants to be the dude who only can talk NBA.

Hell man, I don’t know. Maybe a cool wreck will happen. Maybe Tony Stewart will keep being a douche. Maybe you’ll see some hot trashy boobs in the grandstands.

To end this, I’m going to post funny pictures of fans at NASCAR races. That way you can watch in an ironic fashion or something. C-Ya.

* I’m not sure this sentence makes sense.


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