Art Klondikes Semi-Daily Youtube Video

Posted in Uncategorized on May 6, 2010 by Art Klondike
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Scrap Iron Presents a SyFy Original

Posted in Bad Ass Dudes on May 5, 2010 by Scrap Iron

Now I’m not exactly sure what the other Dongers (or did are we going by GODers? I forget.)  did during our extended Spring Break hiatus, but I’ll tell you this much right now.  Scrap Iron. Got. Shit. Done.  I took up and subsequently quit karate, picked up a Crystal Meth habit (which I’m happy to say I quit), and got into the screenwriting/marketing business.  Now that I type that out it doesn’t seem like I actually did get. shit. done.

Oh well, I won’t be worrying about that when I’m sitting on easy street smoking cigars.  Following in the footsteps as such greats as Michael Davis and Jim Wynorski , I’ve decided to take up the ancient art of writing Syfy original movies, and in the process, make millions upon millions of dollars.  With a series of writers, whom names I’ve forgotten, we’ve came up with the following.

Veloci-Spider

“A small Indiana town encounters a crisis of 8 legged proportions when a mutant prehistoric arachnid begins feasting on the townsfolk. The town’s sheriff and a retired archaeologist are the only hope to stop the beast before it begins to breed and spread throughout the country.
Starring: Lou Diamond Phillips, Sam Neill”

I don’t want to give too much away, but here’s a little sneak peek at the opening scene.

A group of four college co-eds are leaving a party to find a place a bit more romantic.  Just as things get a little hot and heavy, there’s a strange rustling in the woods.  College Guy 1 (his legal given name) goes out to investigate.  Upon finding nothing, he decides to drain the lizard (he’s been pounding Natty Lights all night).  Mid-stream and whistling dixie, a strange shadowy figure descends from a tree.  A blood curdling scream is heard as blood splatters all over the car windshield and we see THE VELOSCISPIDER.

Artist Rendering

Artist Rendering

Then we’ve got this little beaut.
Death on the Beach

A veteran lifeguard (David Hasselhoff) faces his most difficult rescue ever when tourists begin “drowning” in their own blood due to attacks by a creature that stalks by night. Can he stop this creature before it ruins spring break? All while trying to win back the heart of the one that got away… (Pamela Anderson)”

Again, not to ruin too much but here’s another sneak preview of the first scene.  A group of co-eds is celebrating the end of the college year with a party on the beach.  A couple sneaks off to a lifeguard stand to get a little frisky.  Mid oral-pleasure, the guy opens his eyes to find that all that’s left of his sweetheart is her head.  The body has been completely eaten by a WEREWOLF.

Fuckin’ awesome, right? If for some weird ass reason Veloscispiders and Werewolves aren’t your thing.  How do fucking zombies grab ya?!

Staph Infection

A zombie outbreak takes place in rural Nebraska, and the army is sent in to rid the hospital of zombies. Joseph Staph has just found out that his wife is in labor at the very hospital he has been assigned to.  Can he make it there in time, and kill enough zombies, to safe his wife and unborn son?  John Cena stars as Joseph Staph in, Staph Infection.”

Say hello to 2013s biggest blockbuster, ladies and gents.  Now, if those are a little too Sci-Fi’ish for you, there’s this little action movie lined up for ya.

Chezch First Mate

“A group of Czechoslovakian terrorists attack a cruise liner in hopes of an easy score.  What they hadn’t counted on was First Mate John Bishop (Mickey Rourke) being an ex-green beret.”

A terrorist is drawn out onto the deck by odd tapping sounds that he suspects might be Bishop.  When he walks outside all he sees is a shuffleboard area and a life sized chess set.  After he turns around, one of the chess pieces rises into the air to reveal that Bishop was hidden under it all along.  He snaps the terrorists neck as he utters “check mate”.

You’ve got my number, Hollywood.

The Red are the best baseball team ever.

Posted in Uncategorized on April 20, 2010 by Dirt Linwood

I swear to god that watching the Cincinnati Reds play baseball is the equivalent of watching an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

Its not to bad at first but you know by the end something stupid will happen which makes it suck totally too many dicks.

(Note the the reader – I’m writing this as I’m watching the second half of the Cincinnati Reds first game in the home-stand against the Dodgers, so there’s a good chance I’ll probably just end up punching through my screen before I finish.)

We’ve won a total of five games this season, which I mean I guess could be worse. What’s so sweet about it though is that all five of our wins came in the final at bat. Basically we’re about as close to being 0-13 as we can get. We still haven’t had a pitcher register a win, so for those who aren’t big statisticians like me the combined win total of our starting pitchers is ZERO.

I’ve yet to be able to watch a game and just enjoy a good win. All five wins happened when we basically lucked into a few hits or managed to not completely blow the lead. Tonight, for example, we were up 9-3 in the 7th inning. I’m for sure we’re finally going to get that solid win but I made one drastic mistake by taking that course of though – We have Nick Masset as a set up man. Masset may be the worst pitcher in the history of baseball. He has no move to first base (see game 1 of the Pittsburgh series), he constantly is hanging balls over the plate to get crushed (see James Loney in tonights game), and overall the dude just looks like a bag of shit.

At this point in my life I’m a one Paul Janish away from just calling this season a wash.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT JANISH

Two seconds after I wrote the above statement, Janish hits a looping 2 RBI single which turns into a double because his mind-blowing talent wooed the Dodgers into making a mistake.

STOP STRIKING OUT STUBBS. Good god. The man is blind, I’m almost 100% sure.

Masset sucks, Janish rules, the Village was a stupid movie and M. Night Shymalan is a weird fucking dude.

Go reds.

Perfectly normal humans.

Posted in Uncategorized on April 3, 2010 by Art Klondike

Chris Carpenter can suck it.

Posted in Uncategorized on April 2, 2010 by Dirt Linwood

Opening day is less than a week away and Scrap Iron, The RHN, and myself are making the trip down to Great American Ballpark to catch the Reds face off against the Cards.

If things go as planned, we’ll slug about 3 dingers and B-Phil will hit for the cycle while Ryan Hannigan hits an infield single.

Right?

….

God damnit, last year Johan Santana and this year Chris Carpenter?

For two years Carpenter didn’t even pitch because his arm fell off his body and he still comes back as a 17 game winner. What the hell, Carpenter.

Luckly, the Reds have Harangatang on the mound. Should be a pitching duel right?

2009 – Chris Carpenter Vs. Aaron Harang

Carpenter: 17-4, 2.24 ERA, 144 SO, 3 CG, 2nd in Cy Young voting

Harang: 6-14, 4.21 ERA, 142 SO, 2 CG, Doesn’t know who Cy Young is

I’m no sabermetrician, but to me it looks like  Carpenter has the edge here, sorry Harang.

“Shucks”

I mean, at least its baseball season.

Lets go reds.

-Dirt

Stop What You Are Doing Right Now

Posted in Uncategorized on March 13, 2010 by Scrap Iron

Everyone stop what you’re doing. Put everything down and make this your number one priority.

Folliow popular Greg Odens Donger Scrap Iron on twitter https://twitter.com/ISNTTHATRIGHT

Do it!

Follow Scrap Iron on twitter!!

Follow Scrap Iron on twitter!!

FOLLOW SCRAP IRON ON TWITTER!

Or suck it!!!

Or don’t, man, I don’t care. Just follow that tweet sheet

Pitchers and Catchers Report

Posted in Uncategorized on February 23, 2010 by Dirt Linwood

Baseball season has officially started back up. The Reds pitchers and catchers reported to their home in Goodyear, AZ. So to celebrate here is this incredibly inspiring YouTube video:

cool.